Music

Over the last several weeks, I have been dreaming of music first coming from deep layers in the earth, then in the trees, streams, mountains, and finally the clouds. Each one of the dreams calmed me considerably, and I remember that Bernadette Roberts, after meditating for many years discovered a smile on her heart. It felt like that to me: that after much work on my psyche, I discovered the in reality, there is music everywhere. Perhaps that is the real reality; not the ordinary reality that we so often get caught up in.

I feel blessed.

When I get caught up in the concerns of my ego, I remember that the world is full of song if anyone, especially me, is listening. I have been listening more closely these days to what is being said by others.

Mirrors

I am wondering if dreams are partly mirrors which reflect what we need to know to take our next step; reflections on who we are that we don't know; and how our relation to the opposite sex are fixed in our psyche. Perhaps that is obvious to others, but it just occurred to me that if dreams are reflections, it puts a different slant on them and their importance to me.

I realize there are many layers of our presentation to others that must be peeled away to get at our essence, and then mirrors can lead us to look for those qualities in ourselves which it is time to let go of or embrace.

Last night, I had a dream of being held first by a woman and then the next night by a man. I know both these people in real life, and I wonder if these are now parts of me that I can relate to and be held by. Certainly, I need to be held in my inner life as I come home to myself. My dream ended with my drawing a circle of life which was then accepted by some spiritual beings who approved.

Baby leads the way

After my considerations about forming myself, I had a dream. In the dream, I was carrying a baby who was snuggled in my arms, and she was leading me through a series of steps based on what she needed. Now isn't that an answer to my question yesterday. If I stay in touch with the baby, I am operating out of myself. If I lose sight of the baby, I am lost and confused (dream of 13 March). It is not easy to understand the messages from the baby (a listening-challenge) but I feel interested and committed to try.

Who Am I?

Today's blog is about who am I? It seems somehow appropriate to address who I am after whose life is this anyway. I realize that I am still trying to form myself around someone whom I admire rather than being me. Whoever that is. I guess some of me is just that: forming myself around someone I admire. However, I need some balance in my life. I have just come off of spending a lot of time with others, and I had a wonderful time sharing my life, listening to theirs, and talking about our past together. I realize that I spend a lot of time alone, and now I know that I need to take this balance stuff seriously. Not too much time alone and not too much time with others. Not such an easy task. For me this involves checking out my inner needs and wants from moment to moment. To stay in touch with myself on an ongoing basis is certainly a commitment to myself that I have not had the time to do before. What is it that I want to do on any given occasion might pose some interesting possibilities. I believe I will try that and let you know how successful I have been.

Whose life is this anyway?

I am still in the transition from ego to Self. It has not been easy. I am so used to believing that I, my ego, is responsible for my success in life, and that ego has values like productivity is essential, and so on. Because of my experiences since I was diagnosed with cancer, I now believe that the Self is in charge of my life: not me. How to yield to Self as the director of my life is the question that challenges me moment to moment. The most telling evidence available to me regarding this shift is my energy which ebbs and flows under the power of a source which is not mine. A couple of nights ago I had a dream in which I was harnessing energy from retired horses who were delighted that I would want to involve them in such a fashion. I have had other dreams about energy conservation that point to relying on something other than pressure from my ego.

I have spent my life acting from pressure: it brought me success, no doubt about that. However it is time to let that go, and focus on "listening, dreaming, understanding the meaning, and preparing for death." Not an easy task. I find I have many resistances to letting go into a deeper place of living.

What's a mother to do.

I had a dream in which my two children were in their rooms working out diagnostic themes on old typewriters.  I could hear them tapping their keys as they came upon new awarenesses in their developing schemes.  It reminds me of one of my constant lessons:  sealing the vessel.  Over the last couple of days, I have had some mis-understandings and communications with my daughter, and I wondered if this dream had some messages for me about that.  For example, when I offer support and that is misunderstood as criticism, perhaps I am to seal my vessel and not offer support in the ways I often do.  Perhaps there are some supportive statements that actually carry criticism in them:  instead of having faith in my children that they will find their way through hard times, I may be trying to save them from the hard time, and in so doing, hinder their progress through my own lack of faith.  Truth be told, we are each to find our own way on our path without the "helpful" advice from a mother who may not be able to stand her child's pain.  

Much ado about nothing yielded something

After I posted yesterday, I actually wrote some.  Putting into place a background to understand what I am trying to say is at least a start.  I may never use any of what I am writing now, but at least I am getting my fingers to work on the computer and words are coming out.  I am reminded once again of the process of writing and that to just get into the "frame" is a step toward to task of writing.  So I think, writing the blog yesterday got my fingers ready to do some more serious writing after I closed my post down.  How about that.  

Much ado about nothing.

I have been in one of those phases where my energy waxes and wanes, and I get impatient with myself.  I imagine as long as I am impatient, my energy will wax and wane.  I know there is a message in this process, and instead of focusing on that, I prefer to beat myself up for not working harder.  In some ways, this is very hard work.  Waiting and sitting in the discomfort is my suggestion to myself.  That is much harder for me than to be busy working on something.  I know working on waiting is the task at hand, but I have no preparation for this task.  When the busy right now is my own creativity, I am challenged in ways I have not been before.  Of course teaching and seeing clients both demanded creativity on my part, there were others involved.  I have an audience or a dialogue work with.  Now it is just me:  no one to talk over the conflicts I feel.  Purpose behind saying some of this out loud on this blog.  

Second half of life

In the second half of life, we are to begin to prepare for death.  With the possibilities of living longer than we ever have before, I wonder.  As I am now a permanent member of the second half of life, I do not think about death.  However, I do feel a certain peace of mind and heart because I feel held by a hand perhaps.  Like the Rumi poem of how the leaves fall into the hand of god.  I feel now that I have always been led by a force or energy greater than my own.  Even when things were horrifying, I know now that a particular crisis was happening because I needed to change the direction of my life.  That doesn't mean I didn't live in the horror, devastation, disorientation, lost, and all of that.  It means that each experience led me to something I had not known before and could not have chosen it on my own.  As Jung discovered in his "confrontation with the unconscious", psyche has lessons for each of us to learn in our own individual ways.  All of these awarenesses are more conscious now, and that alone gives my life more meaning.  I imagine that this peace I speak of is a preparation for death.  

Listening to the music

I have not posted for awhile because I have been deeply involved with my dreams, and have been researching some meanings of the symbols that I have received.  I am noticing cycles that occur in both my waking life and my dream life.  When I am out of touch with my unconscious, I dream of old friends, old past times which I now believe reflects a longing to return to "paradise".  I am projecting "paradise" outside of me and once I find the truth in that, I then return to deeper work with my unconscious that come up in my dreams.  Most recently, I dreamed that monks were teaching me how to make singing bowls so I could "listen" to the music in my dreams and in my reading.  I often listen with my mind and try to understand the words that I am reading rather than being open to the deeper meaning which comes through my unconscious.  One of the parts of Jung that touches me so much is that he can listen to a dream and then his associations reveal many different avenues.  He is listening to the music of the dream rather than just the manifest content.  This takes time, reflection, acquaintance with a vast amount of material in history, science, mythology, physics, etc.  The rewards are great.  

Side-by-side

A new opposite is coming into view.  I realize that when my children are here with their children, I space out on my own interests, and feel that I have to put my life aside.  That is pretty true because there is so much going on.  However I realize this morning that having my life and living with theirs is not either/or, and that I can balance both with side-by-side attention.  Hopefully that will allow time for both in the future.  Actually, each afternoon, we all had quiet time while the little one was sleeping.  There was time for me to transition to my own interests which I was able to do.  

Thinking versus Living

I have been "gone".  My son and his family were here for the weekend, and so my thoughts are all about how much my heart opened to having them here.  It was wonderful:  one of the delights of having children is enjoying their successes and if they have them, their failures.  I am challenged physically when they are here because there is so much going on all the time.  Rarely a moment when something is happening:  breakfast, lunch, dinner.  When one is finished, it is time to start another meal, clean up, then start again.

I was introduced to all the pigeon books by Mo Willems.  They are such fun.  Also time with Dora on the computer was fun.  

No time to think about Jung, heavy thoughts, only time to live.

Opposites

I am back reflecting on the opposites.  I have been reading about the Red Sun which came into a recent dream.  In doing so, I discover that sun and moon, or man and woman are the greatest opposites to ponder.  Sol (masculine) and Luna (feminine).  I am aware that my definitions of masculine and feminine have changed considerably since I have been dreaming and studying Jung. I believe I have expanded their meanings to include far more than I did when I was growing up in the fifties and most everything was pretty fixed:  women were like June Cleaver and men were like John Wayne.  Pretty stilted, don't you think.  Anyway, I like to consider powerful women and thoughtful men, and I hope to consolidate those characteristics in myself:  to become more of both.  Is the ultimate reconciliation between man and woman.  The alchemists seemed to think so.  There are always two sides to every situation:  nothing is either good or bad.  Thoughts to ponder on since much of conscious life is dictated by right and wrong. 

Greatest passion

It still surprises me when I find something that Jung has said which brings me great comfort.  In this case he says that the strongest passion in humans is not hunger, sex, or power, although these are quite strong; the very strongest passion is laziness.  Again this is in Marie Louise von Franz's book on Archetypal Patterns in Fairy Tales.  Several months ago, I went through a period of several months when I couldn't do anything.  My interest was gone, my libido was hiding, and I was so uncomfortable with not feeling connected to any of my common interests.  I think of that when I read what Jung has to say about laziness.  

I am glad to have my energy back:  it feels more familiar.  In our Western Society we have been taught to work hard, and that was certainly true in my family.  Both my parents worked  very hard as did my  brother and myself.  So when I hit a place of no energy and no interest, I became very upset with myself.  Who knew that laziness was a great human passion.

Dreams point in a direction

Marie Louise von Franz says (and I am paraphrasing) that turning toward the unconscious is like taking a new medicine and waiting to see the result.  Most likely a creative process will begin.  I have had patients in psychotherapy who did not want to turn toward the unconscious, and they were committed to finding a solution to a problem that concerned them rather than watching what their dreams were saying.  Often what I am focused on in my waking life has nothing to do with what the Self wants from me as expressed in my dreams.  It certainly brings a new perspective to me to realize that what I am so focused on is irrelevant to my dreaming life and therefore to my purpose in life.  What a concept!!  In my experience, I have found both with myself and others that we spend a great deal of energy focusing on some little or big problem and it turns out that it has not real importance in our lives.

Should I leave a relationship may not have any meaning to the real purpose of our lives, and only if we go to our dreams can we realize what we might better focus on.  Our rational concerns very often are not relevant to the real meaning and purpose of our lives.

Our comings and goings to and from ourselves

I am currently visiting in Los Angeles so my posting has been slack.  However I want to share a quote from Mary Louise von Franz, who talks about the objective psyche and how we come and go in relationship to it.  She talks about how we can become compartmentalized and believe we are truly committed to the unconscious and then all of a sudden, we don't believe anymore.  Yes, it is the same person who feels both these things.  What an amazing complicated system we are:  one day committed to the objective psyche, our dreams, and the messages we get from them and then suddenly we don't remember our commitment and we are off and running "away".  I guess we could say that we are each on our journey which draws us closer to ourselves and then further away from ourselves.  No wonder, we take several lifetimes to get to center.  Any comments will be appreciated.

Life's task

Today I have some clarity about the dilemma I have been swirling around in.  My dreams have been very powerful, and then I wonder how I can relate to them in reality.  Is having a powerful dream enough or do I have some responsibility to bring that content into the mainstream of my life.  Actually, bringing those dreams into my life is not the issue so much as do I have an obligation to bring them into the world:  a greater life than my own.  Yesterday, I read a passage in Jung's Psychology and Alchemy which helped clarify this problem for me.  "...almost unbearable tension because of the utter incommensurability between conscious life and the unconscious process, which can be experienced only in the innermost soul and cannot touch the visible surface of life at any point."  In truth, the rationality of the cosmos is constantly being violated in some of the same ways that the unconscious process violates our surface life.  This sentence is a paraphrase of Jung.  The task at hand seems to be to accomplish the paradoxical union of irreconcilables.  Sometimes I cannot handle this task without feeling crazy and only when I realize the inherent difficulty of the task can I even approach the questions that I have. 

Frame of reference

After the first half of life, Jung focuses on fulfilling one's life path which is built into our foundation at birth or maybe before.  This is an approach which typically psychology avoids.  Most schools of psychology believe that one can approach life by remembering the trauma of the past and redoing it.  Much of the time is spent trying to pick up the past rather than focusing on what these past experiences have encouraged us to do in the present.  Jung is more interested in finding the meaning in what has happened to us both past and present than in finding what trauma has created what kind of personality.  

I have been practicing object relations psychology for many years, and I find myself looking forward to examining the meaning of my own experiences as well as my clients.  This means that the therapist does not always or ever know what meaning is in each experience, but that the client knows and is able to uncover the meaning with the experience and help from the therapist.  A dynamic flow of energy begins to happen between client and therapist which can be lacking when the therapist considers herself/himself an expert in the life of the client.

Dreams

Pat and I are planning our flyer for our dream group:  actually, Pat is looking up quotes on dreams and I am sometimes helping her.  We are going to advertise in The Door Opener, so she is looking for appropriate quotes.  It makes me feel my excitement about dreams once more.  I stand amazed at how much is revealed in our dreams, and of course, I circle around that excitement off and on throughout the days, weeks, and etc.  

I have not dreamed in the last few nights, and I guess that is because Pat and I have been reading Jung's Seminar in Dream Analysis over the past month.  What a brilliant man that Jung is!  Anyway with my studying and working through the images in my dreams of late, my dream life has slowed down so I can catch up with all the images and symbols.

It feels so important to me to carefully work with our dreams for we have no other objective view of our lives, the purpose of our lives, and how to go about developing a relationship to God, if you will.  Indeed, what could be more important for the second half of our life after we have created all our ego would ever need:  then we can work on our relationship to God and of course the end of this life as we know it.

Lessons from circles

Edinger, Anatomy of the Psyche, says on page 143:"  Psychologically, circulatio is the repeated circuit of all aspects of one's being, which gradually generates awareness of a transpersonal center uniting the conflicting factors."  As I circle around, I am aware of the opposites occurring one after the other.  Eventually, after several times around (perhaps 100 or so) I begin to see some reconciliation between the two.  I become less divided by placing the world into categories and see the fascinating melding of our rich experiences.  This process involves self-acceptance and of course acceptance of others.  Lessons in humility and generally becoming involved with what it means to be human.