Music

Over the last several weeks, I have been dreaming of music first coming from deep layers in the earth, then in the trees, streams, mountains, and finally the clouds. Each one of the dreams calmed me considerably, and I remember that Bernadette Roberts, after meditating for many years discovered a smile on her heart. It felt like that to me: that after much work on my psyche, I discovered the in reality, there is music everywhere. Perhaps that is the real reality; not the ordinary reality that we so often get caught up in.

I feel blessed.

When I get caught up in the concerns of my ego, I remember that the world is full of song if anyone, especially me, is listening. I have been listening more closely these days to what is being said by others.

Mirrors

I am wondering if dreams are partly mirrors which reflect what we need to know to take our next step; reflections on who we are that we don't know; and how our relation to the opposite sex are fixed in our psyche. Perhaps that is obvious to others, but it just occurred to me that if dreams are reflections, it puts a different slant on them and their importance to me.

I realize there are many layers of our presentation to others that must be peeled away to get at our essence, and then mirrors can lead us to look for those qualities in ourselves which it is time to let go of or embrace.

Last night, I had a dream of being held first by a woman and then the next night by a man. I know both these people in real life, and I wonder if these are now parts of me that I can relate to and be held by. Certainly, I need to be held in my inner life as I come home to myself. My dream ended with my drawing a circle of life which was then accepted by some spiritual beings who approved.

Baby leads the way

After my considerations about forming myself, I had a dream. In the dream, I was carrying a baby who was snuggled in my arms, and she was leading me through a series of steps based on what she needed. Now isn't that an answer to my question yesterday. If I stay in touch with the baby, I am operating out of myself. If I lose sight of the baby, I am lost and confused (dream of 13 March). It is not easy to understand the messages from the baby (a listening-challenge) but I feel interested and committed to try.

Who Am I?

Today's blog is about who am I? It seems somehow appropriate to address who I am after whose life is this anyway. I realize that I am still trying to form myself around someone whom I admire rather than being me. Whoever that is. I guess some of me is just that: forming myself around someone I admire. However, I need some balance in my life. I have just come off of spending a lot of time with others, and I had a wonderful time sharing my life, listening to theirs, and talking about our past together. I realize that I spend a lot of time alone, and now I know that I need to take this balance stuff seriously. Not too much time alone and not too much time with others. Not such an easy task. For me this involves checking out my inner needs and wants from moment to moment. To stay in touch with myself on an ongoing basis is certainly a commitment to myself that I have not had the time to do before. What is it that I want to do on any given occasion might pose some interesting possibilities. I believe I will try that and let you know how successful I have been.

Whose life is this anyway?

I am still in the transition from ego to Self. It has not been easy. I am so used to believing that I, my ego, is responsible for my success in life, and that ego has values like productivity is essential, and so on. Because of my experiences since I was diagnosed with cancer, I now believe that the Self is in charge of my life: not me. How to yield to Self as the director of my life is the question that challenges me moment to moment. The most telling evidence available to me regarding this shift is my energy which ebbs and flows under the power of a source which is not mine. A couple of nights ago I had a dream in which I was harnessing energy from retired horses who were delighted that I would want to involve them in such a fashion. I have had other dreams about energy conservation that point to relying on something other than pressure from my ego.

I have spent my life acting from pressure: it brought me success, no doubt about that. However it is time to let that go, and focus on "listening, dreaming, understanding the meaning, and preparing for death." Not an easy task. I find I have many resistances to letting go into a deeper place of living.

What's a mother to do.

I had a dream in which my two children were in their rooms working out diagnostic themes on old typewriters.  I could hear them tapping their keys as they came upon new awarenesses in their developing schemes.  It reminds me of one of my constant lessons:  sealing the vessel.  Over the last couple of days, I have had some mis-understandings and communications with my daughter, and I wondered if this dream had some messages for me about that.  For example, when I offer support and that is misunderstood as criticism, perhaps I am to seal my vessel and not offer support in the ways I often do.  Perhaps there are some supportive statements that actually carry criticism in them:  instead of having faith in my children that they will find their way through hard times, I may be trying to save them from the hard time, and in so doing, hinder their progress through my own lack of faith.  Truth be told, we are each to find our own way on our path without the "helpful" advice from a mother who may not be able to stand her child's pain.  

Much ado about nothing yielded something

After I posted yesterday, I actually wrote some.  Putting into place a background to understand what I am trying to say is at least a start.  I may never use any of what I am writing now, but at least I am getting my fingers to work on the computer and words are coming out.  I am reminded once again of the process of writing and that to just get into the "frame" is a step toward to task of writing.  So I think, writing the blog yesterday got my fingers ready to do some more serious writing after I closed my post down.  How about that.